Making my new roomie from scratch
Nah, it's not that nobody could meet the requirements to be the new roomie, at least not to the point where I decided to make my very own from scratch and then wait 18 years for him to start chipping in with his share of the rent. It was more random than that. It all started one day when I got back from the movies. For shits and giggles I took a pregnancy test, and it came back positive. Obviously, I blamed it on the gallon of diet coke I had had at the cinema. So I went to bed and the next morning to confirm my diet coke theory I tried another test and it came positive again.
Gulp! That's how it went down.
It hasn't been an easy ride, I tell you what. You see famous people being interviewed and they're like "I'm enjoying my pregnancy". What? Is there a memo pregnant people get where in order to perpetuate the species they have to convince others that pregnancy is great or is it just a big joke to sucker more gullible souls into it? Or maybe they're just referring to the concept? Because in practice it's like your body is possessed by someone who doesn't know how to control it. The body you've spent your entire life mastering is suddenly in the hands of a complete newbie. It's pretty sad, like watching someone driving and crashing your car repeatedly. Oh but before that they tricked it out in a pretty horrible way, like some twisted amalgam of Pimp My Ride and Punk'd. >:( I don't even recognize it myself sometimes. All the stuff I used to love like coffee, wild cherry diet pepsi, chocolate bars, lettuce, cookies… now I don't even want to look at :(
Speaking of food, it's not like I can enjoy it much anyway as I now have a permanent taste of milk with lemon and a healthy double serving of copper coins in it. So unpleasant, and no matter what I drink or eat the taste doesn't go away. Which brings us to drinks. Now I dislike all drinks, from water to Clamato they all suck. I've been buying each and every soda, juice, and liquid I can get my hands on and I still can't find one that doesn't disgust me. :( Wait! I lie, there are 2: Jamba Juice's Aloha Pineapple and Coffee Bean's Black Forest but it's not like I can get them at the supermarket and store them in the fridge, right?
Horrible taste is a symptom I suffer when I'm conscious, but the rest of the time I'm out cold. I just fall asleep like River Phoenix in "My Own Private Idaho" and it sucks, cause it's not a good resting sleep, it's all deep and heavy like an anvil where you stay in the same position you started, so you wake up in all kinds of pain. I'm aware the deep sleep is cause my body is being used to make the kid, but that just makes me feel like in that scene in The Mist where they go to the pharmacy and find people there wrapped in cocoons and being used as incubators.
That's me when I'm passed out. A big static cocoon.
Other than that, I'm still the same person, I'm just tired all the time, I can't drink and when I'm at concerts and people are doing the chronic I try to hold my breath to avoid inhaling it.
Oh, did I mention I'm getting bigger every second? Like Alice in Wonderland, one of my legs is coming out of a window, my arm out of another, I'm wearing the roof of the house as my hat :(
Obviously those aren't the only symptoms just the ones that bother me the most, not like the others are any great shakes. It's surprising how this entire process hasn't been optimized somehow. It's not like it hasn't been going on for years. Oh well!
But not all is bad, despite my zero knowledge of kids or interest in them, ever since I saw the kid in the ultrasound all relaxed like he was at the beach (just missing a little piña colada) it felt like when you know UPS has delivered something to your house and it's waiting for you there so you want to get home an open it. Except I can't open it :( It's like I already have an iPad but it has to stay in the box until Christmas and to add insult to injury, I have to carry the box with me wherever I go >:(
Of course given the chance I'd exchange all of those symptoms and ultrasounds in a heartbeat to be one of those "I didn't know I was pregnant" people, who don't get symptoms, no doctor visits, no big belly, no meds, no cares and end up with perfectly healthy babies. I'd love to just one day be like "oh I think I have to go to the bathroom…. ZOMG! A baby!"
Gulp! That's how it went down.
It hasn't been an easy ride, I tell you what. You see famous people being interviewed and they're like "I'm enjoying my pregnancy". What? Is there a memo pregnant people get where in order to perpetuate the species they have to convince others that pregnancy is great or is it just a big joke to sucker more gullible souls into it? Or maybe they're just referring to the concept? Because in practice it's like your body is possessed by someone who doesn't know how to control it. The body you've spent your entire life mastering is suddenly in the hands of a complete newbie. It's pretty sad, like watching someone driving and crashing your car repeatedly. Oh but before that they tricked it out in a pretty horrible way, like some twisted amalgam of Pimp My Ride and Punk'd. >:( I don't even recognize it myself sometimes. All the stuff I used to love like coffee, wild cherry diet pepsi, chocolate bars, lettuce, cookies… now I don't even want to look at :(
Speaking of food, it's not like I can enjoy it much anyway as I now have a permanent taste of milk with lemon and a healthy double serving of copper coins in it. So unpleasant, and no matter what I drink or eat the taste doesn't go away. Which brings us to drinks. Now I dislike all drinks, from water to Clamato they all suck. I've been buying each and every soda, juice, and liquid I can get my hands on and I still can't find one that doesn't disgust me. :( Wait! I lie, there are 2: Jamba Juice's Aloha Pineapple and Coffee Bean's Black Forest but it's not like I can get them at the supermarket and store them in the fridge, right?
Horrible taste is a symptom I suffer when I'm conscious, but the rest of the time I'm out cold. I just fall asleep like River Phoenix in "My Own Private Idaho" and it sucks, cause it's not a good resting sleep, it's all deep and heavy like an anvil where you stay in the same position you started, so you wake up in all kinds of pain. I'm aware the deep sleep is cause my body is being used to make the kid, but that just makes me feel like in that scene in The Mist where they go to the pharmacy and find people there wrapped in cocoons and being used as incubators.
That's me when I'm passed out. A big static cocoon.
Other than that, I'm still the same person, I'm just tired all the time, I can't drink and when I'm at concerts and people are doing the chronic I try to hold my breath to avoid inhaling it.
Oh, did I mention I'm getting bigger every second? Like Alice in Wonderland, one of my legs is coming out of a window, my arm out of another, I'm wearing the roof of the house as my hat :(
Obviously those aren't the only symptoms just the ones that bother me the most, not like the others are any great shakes. It's surprising how this entire process hasn't been optimized somehow. It's not like it hasn't been going on for years. Oh well!
But not all is bad, despite my zero knowledge of kids or interest in them, ever since I saw the kid in the ultrasound all relaxed like he was at the beach (just missing a little piña colada) it felt like when you know UPS has delivered something to your house and it's waiting for you there so you want to get home an open it. Except I can't open it :( It's like I already have an iPad but it has to stay in the box until Christmas and to add insult to injury, I have to carry the box with me wherever I go >:(
Of course given the chance I'd exchange all of those symptoms and ultrasounds in a heartbeat to be one of those "I didn't know I was pregnant" people, who don't get symptoms, no doctor visits, no big belly, no meds, no cares and end up with perfectly healthy babies. I'd love to just one day be like "oh I think I have to go to the bathroom…. ZOMG! A baby!"
posted by Evil Chick at 10:13 PM
0 comments
